Hi, My name is Shawn Bordges and I live in one of the greatest little-big cities in America. Some refer to my city as Boom Town, because it was once the Oil Capitol of America in the 1920’s. I refer to my home as Tulsa, Oklahoma. I was born here 60 years after the oil boom, but never had the pleasure of growing up in Tulsa. My parents divorced when I was a baby and my mother, brother and I moved to Texas to live with my grandparents. My mother remarried and the four of us were soon headed to California. I grew up on a Marine Corps base in Oceanside California. Life was good growing up, as soon as i learned how to swim, i spent most of my summers in the water, either at the beach or in the pool. The beach was a relaxing place, the smell of the sea, the sound of the waves crashing and sun shining 90% of the time was great life.
At a young age I started to take living by the ocean for granted and became resentful and angry. My attitude about life was not as bright as the sun that shined all the time, instead it became as dark as midnight sky. A dark cloud was above me and I became great at masking a dark secret.
Every once in a while I would lash out. My younger sister, usually was at the brunt of it. Let me be clear I never hit her, but yelling and trying to convince her that she was adopted were some of my go to tactics. My out bursts were a way of trying to have other people feel how I was feeling on the inside.
Very few people knew what my dark secret was and I did not reveal it to anyone until I was 20 years old. Even after I revealed it, I never dealt with what happened and I just did what I always did I allowed myself to forget it.
When I was around the age of nine or ten years old, my innocence was stolen from me, this was a friend of the family and with out going into any unneeded detail, the incident only happened one time.
Unfortunately, one time was all it took to change a joyful, rambunctious boy into a depressed, self-conscience, angry boy. As I mentioned before I never mentioned the incident until barely entering adulthood. During those pivotal years of my adolescence, confusion took over my thought-life.
Growing up in a Christian home, the first question that plagued me was why would God do this to me. I grew up believing that the trials in our lives are just tests from God to see if we will trust Him. Based on my belief at the time, I failed, I did not trust God. For me I could not comprehend why God would send such an evil darkness into my life at such a young age as a test. My view of God was Him in Heaven with a star chart and if we did good we would get a “spiritual star” and in return He would be pleased and if I did sinned, then God would send something bad my way.
I held this view of God for two decades. I blamed God for everything bad that happened in my life. When I was going through a dark moment, I would literally yell at God, usually while driving, and scream “if only” you would have protected me, I would not be so messed up and could have had a better life then the one you gave me. Every mistake and bad choice was rooted in that one childhood nightmare. Fortunately, my belief system was completely wrong and I am so thankful.
See the God that I know now is far from the God that I grew up with and I now know my God has thoughts of peace, hope and a great future for me. Jeremiah 29:11
The real tragedy of this story is not what happened to me, but that I my was stuck in chapter 9 of my life’s history book. I kept reliving that moment and allowed the enemy to deceive me into thinking that God did this to me. The real truth is that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father above. James 1:17 See, God is the opposite of sin, so how can God send sin into our lives to test us; or better yet, why would He want to send something that breaks His heart into our lives?
The truth is we live in a fallen world engulfed with evil. The incident that happened to me was evil and horrible but, and here is the gut check, God loves that person who assaulted me, just as much as he loves me. That person was deceived by Satan to the point of being able to justify their actions just like I was deceived into thinking that God actually wished harm on me to prove my love to Him.
John 16:33 Jesus says “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” The battle has already been won, we are victors. As believers the same power that raised Christ from the dead, is the same power that resides in us. Unfortunately, i feel that too many Christians are living as historians, studying the past chapters of their lives. That is the quickest way to inhibit the great plans God has for you in your life. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says ” Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” The first time, I really heard that verse, I was transformed. No matter what we have been through or have done means nothing once we accept Christ.
Do not get me wrong there are still consequences for our actions, but as far as God is concerned our past transgressions are completely wiped clean. When we make Christ the Lord of our lives He then will start the building process of the life we were always meant to live.
But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into the heart of man The things which God has prepared for those who love Him. 1 Corinthians 2:9 Just remember your biggest dreams do not even hold a candle to the life God has planned out for you. Start writing new chapters and stop living in the old ones.
Thank you for reading, if you, or know of anyone that is struggling with their past, please feel free to email me or leave a comment.